Monthly Archives: January 2009

So, a few days ago I wrote about what I consider the “dangers,” so to speak, of mixing your professional and personal life online. Most of the comments I received were in agreement with me – but not all of them. My buddy, Suneil, wrote the following:

Should we really be forced to be ashamed of who we are? And if we decide we are comfortable enough to expose small parts of who we are, should we really be forced by public opinion to cover up our lives and shut the heck up?

Suneil wrote again today to apologize for getting all righteous on me… but the funny thing is, his feedback  had really made me take a step back, evaluate what I had wrote and question my discomfort. I say it’s funny because this is a fight Suneil and I had, very publicly, in the work place a while back and my reaction at that time was the complete opposite.

I am still pretty adamant that I don’t feel comfortable mixing sex and work. (You know, unless the dude’s really hot.) But, when you think about it, I’m listed as a heterosexual, married woman on Facebook (well, I don’t actually list the heterosexual part, but it’s implied). In it’s own way, that’s advertising my sexual preferences – just in a “socially acceptable” way.

I really should be no less comfortable with someone else listing their status as “random play.” They’re advertising just like I am… just in a different way. That should be okay to me, but I have to admit that I have some prejudices.

When you announce to the world that you’re into random play, I automatically think a. slut or b. desperate and looking for love by sleeping with anyone who will take you in hopes that one of them will fall in love with you.

So, yeah, that’s my prejudice… “the slut thing.” And, as much as I am writing about it with a bit of a humorous tone here, the fact of the matter is, I really shouldn’t be making those judgements. I need to let go of those self-imposed stereotypes. Just because I subscribe to monogamy as a norm, it doesn’t mean that it is for everyone.

So, yeah, there’s that…

But, I’ve also been thinking a lot about why it is that I am so uncomfortable mixing sex and work. I know that part of it is a generational thing. But more than that, it’s a woman thing to me.

In the workplace (not theNonprofit specifically, just generally) I have enough to worry about being a woman. I’m traditionally paid less, taken less seriously and called out for having *gasp* emotion. I already feel like I have to work twice as hard as most of the men around me to earn half the respect.

My talent and my personality get me where I am – on a somewhat equal playing field. However, when you introduce sex back into the equation, I can’t help but feel that the scales tip back in a man’s favor. When sex enters the equation, women become objectified and the superficial – tits and ass if, you will – become their defining factors.

I have my fill of defining my worth by the size of my ass or the perkiness of my breasts in nearly every other aspect of my life… I refuse to do it at work too.

I don’t really have an eloquent “wrap it all up” summary to offer to this blog post… just a bunch of thoughts this time that needed to come out, and a public acknowledgement that Suneil, induced by lack of nicotine or not, was right for calling me out.

Savor it, Suneil… I’ll probably never admit it again.

Okay, I admit it… I’m a Facebook addict.

Not only is a great tool for great re-connecting with old friends, it’s a great resource for work. There is no easier way to get a message out to thousands of your volunteers at one time or connect with them on a more personal level.

However, because I use it so much for work, I try and be mindful of what I put on my Facebook profile. I don’t add too many applications and I try not to reveal too much about myself. I purposely left information about my religious views blank and you’ll never find a picture of me half-clothed on there. (Well, there was one that a friend added, but I asked her to take it down right away.)

I also limit access to my Facebook profile, as well as my Twitter updates. I think it’s a good rule to follow. Case in point…

I have an interview on Monday with a local union. I applied for the job months ago when I was in a bad state at theNonprofit and, while I’m no longer all that interested in leaving, I know enough to know that you don’t pass up opportunities in Detroit when they come your way.

The person who called me for the interview sounded like she was about 12. After talking to her for a while tonight, I decided to look her up. She never told me what her position was at the union and I was curious.

A Google search turned up some pieces she had written for the C@nabis Times. Well, that’s a bit telling in some respects, but doesn’t give me much to go on… so I looked her up on Facebook.

Her Facebook profile is open and rather new, so there’s not a ton. But it does list her relationship as “It’s complicated” and indicates that she’s interested in “random play” with both men and women.

And that folks, that’s a little more than I wanted to know about her.

An old high school friend commented on my Facebook status today that she didn’t watch any of the inaugural festivities today. When I asked her why, she responded:

had no desire…been hearing about “it’s not about race” and that is all the media is making it out to be…and from seeing some of the quotes from the inauguration…obama has jumped on that bandwagon…we need to get past the race issue…it’s great that we have a black president but enough already.

Seriously?!

Riddle me this Batman, how do you ask a black man to jump off “the bandwagon?”After spending 47 years being a black man and living with all the baggage that comes with having a skin color that means nothing, but defines so much, how do you ask a man to “just forget about it?”

Now, of course, I think there is so much more to this day than the “race issue.” For instance – the village idiot factor. We have a President who is articulate, and mad intelligent, and charismatic, and doesn’t make me cringe when I think of him as a representation of my country.

And there’s the fact that a person of my generation, Gen X, is President. That’s pretty damn cool.

There’s the fact that this administration is savvy enough that they understood the power of the young digerati and tapped into them online, through social networks.

There is hope that maybe, just maybe, we are returning to the ideology of being our brothers’ keepers instead of the old “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” way of thinking.

There is the fact that there hasn’t been anyone that represents my point of view in that office for a long, long time.

That’s why I’m excited. And those are all things that we can agree to disagree on too. But don’t throw out the race card as your stumbling block because it’s a cop out. There is no denying the fact that a man of color was just sworn into the office of the Presidency is a big. flippin. deal. A HUGE deal. Monumental.

We should all be celebrating this “band wagon.”

I am deep in the throes of “the s.a.d.” I am bored to freakin’ tears.  I want to get out and do something, but it’s too damn cold to leave the house and, even if I could bear the cold, I just don’t have the energy nor motivation to actually do much of anything. Couple this with some major PMS and the fact that I am no longer smoking and we have the trifecta of crankiness. A perfect storm of self pity, wallowing and minor depression.

Back in the days when I was actually diagnosed with severe clinical depression/anxiety and not just speculating on a blog, shopping was one of my coping mechanisms. (Hence, my $14,000 in credit card debt by age 20-something.) The high I would get from buying something new can only be described as exhilarating and it most certainly made me forget, if only for a short time, how unhappy I was.

Therapy (and a crashing credit score) finally cured me of the need to shop incessantly, though I admit that it’s still a favorite pass time. The difference these days is that one, it doesn’t happen nearly as often (a couple times a month vs. daily) and two, the thrill doesn’t come from owning something new but instead from the hunt of  searching for that unbelievable deal.

I am a bargain shopper to the nth degree.

In fact, on Saturday Aleah and I hit a local thrift store where I  picked up a brand new full-length wool coat and green cashmere sweater for me, plus a knit shawl for Aleah for the whopping sum total of $21. I had also noted when we left the store that they were advertising a 50% clothing sale for MLK Day.

So, this evening, as I found myself sitting in front of the computer, again lamenting how bored I was, I reverted back to my version of comfort food… retail therapy and headed straight back to the thrift store.

Now, this particular thrift store has a huge plus size woman’s selection. So, pawing through every single sweater, shirt, pant, skirt, shoe and dress (I skipped the coats this time) that was to be had took nearly two hours. I grabbed anything that caught my eye, threw it in the buggy and, at the end, parsed through it all until I narrowed my choices to a pink, cabled Liz Claiborne sweater set, a darker pink crew knit sweater, a pair of brown Croc rip-off mary janes, a dark grey merino wool sweater from Eddie Bauer and two tank dresses/nightgowns/bathing suit cover ups.

The damage? $16.00.

I feel a little less “s.a.d.” And that’s a little worrisome because this is really no time to revert to behaviors of the retail persuasion. However, $16 is worth my sanity… if just for an evening.

Kat sent this to me a while back and I finally got around to watching it tonight. Oh. My. Gawd. Thanks, Kat!

The Rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

The Questions, from Secretly Supergirl

1. What’s the best part about married life?
Bejeebus, am I ever the wrong person to ask about married life. I love my husband dearly, but I am what you would call a fatalist when it comes to relationships. In my world if you don’t do the dishes – you don’t love me, if you don’t come home on time – you’re lying dead in a ditch and if we fight and say ugly words – we’re divorcing.

It makes for a horribly rocky relationship at times. I am bad – very bad – at being married.

So, what’s the best part about married life? The fact that my husband gets it and loves me anyway and that I love him enough that I want to try and conquer my fatalist fears. I also love that the person who can make me feel more – more laughter, more joy, more happiness, more special – than anyone else in the whole world lives with me.

2. If you could be someone else, male or female and at any point in history, who would you want to be and why?
This is going to sound incredibly shallow, but I would love to be some glamorous, butt-filthy rich, incredibly charming and smart woman… like an Ivanka Trump or Oprah. And, yes, they have their problems too… but I’d love to be able to live a life free of money worries just so I could concentrate on the things that were really, truly important to me.

3. Outside of the usual answers, like December or your birth month, what is your favorite month of the year, and why?
I love November. It kicks off with Halloween, followed by our anniversary which Bryan and I tend to spend somewhere tropical and warm. Next is Thanksgiving (my most favorite holiday), which is a prelude to Christmas. Things tend to “slow down” at work around this time (meaning everyone else is taking PTO so I can finally get caught up) and there is always a ton of PTO left-over that needs to start being scheduled.

4. What’s your favorite thing about Detroit?
The attitude, period. Detroiters are cooler, tougher and more bad ass than any other collective group of folks in the world. What the rest of you see as a beaten down, disenfranchised and rotted city, we see as a bunch of hidden gems. Only we know how cool this city, and its people, are. We claim we want you to know too, but really – we like to keep these things to ourselves. It’s what makes us cooler than you. Unfortunately, it is also what keeps our public persona so damn unflattering.

5. If you could go back in time and redo one thing in your life, would you? If so, what would it be?
The night before my brother died I found him drinking. Mind you, Brian drinking was nothing new, except that he had sworn it off and wasn’t supposed to be doing it anymore. Part of me was so mad that I thought to myself that I should call my mother (she was staying at her boyfriend’s that night) and rat him out. But big sisters don’t rat their little brothers out.

The next day, as my mother and I walked the crash site where Brian died, I told her that I had almost called her the night before. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but she told me, in no uncertain terms, that it wasn’t my fault. And I’ve never had an ounce of guilt over it since – which is saying a lot for me, she who obsesses over EVERYTHING.

So, if there was ever one thing in my life that I should have wanted to go back and do differently, it should have been that night. But I’ve never felt the urge to contemplate “What if?” had I done it.

I don’t really believe in do-overs. Everything is exactly as it is supposed to be. My brother was supposed to die at 17. I was supposed to take 18 years to get through college. Bryan and I bought our home one year before the Michigan economy crashed (and it would have been $30,000 cheaper) for a reason.

It’s all perfectly flawed for a reason.

One of my best friends from high school, Shelly, tried out for the latest round of Survivor. Man… she used to make me laugh like hell in high school and nothing has changed since!

There was a knock at our door around noon today and I opened the door to find Sandie standing on the porch. Unannounced visitors are a rarity ’round these parts… unannounced visitors that you haven’t seen in months and weren’t much expecting to see for another few, an even bigger surprise.

After a bit of a talk and a quick cry in the backyard, we hugged and made up and were soon off to spend the day talking and shopping. It was so nice to spend the day with her.

The rest of the weekend was great as well. New Year’s Day we had Aleah and some of our friends over for dinner and cards. Friday we were lazy most of the day and only left the house briefly to pick up a few videos at the store. We ended up watching Wall E (which was too cute for words) and not doing much else.

Saturday I woke up, showered, and then took off with mom and Aleah for downtown. We ate lunch at the Hard Rock and then went to see Wicked at the Detroit Opera House. I had never had a desire to see this particular musical… I wasn’t opposed to it (obviously), but my interest lie more in spending the day with mom and Aleah than the entertainment itself.

I was shocked by how good the show actually was. The set was spectacular, the story great and the actors phenomenal. I’m so glad we went – it’s a show I won’t soon forget.

I wasn’t home for more than an hour after the show when Bryan and I took off again, this time with Brad and Jennifer, for Birmingham. For those of you not familiar with the area, Birmingham is one of the more upscale suburbs of Detroit and it’s price tag is only matched by the pretense of the majority of its residents. So, generally I steer clear of the town. However, it happened to be home to the only movie theater in the area playing Gran Torino and I really, really wanted to see the movie.

Unfortunately, we weren’t the only ones that wanted to see Gran Torino and got to the theater only to find that the 8:00, as well as the 9:15, shows were sold out. So, we bought tickets for the 10:45 and tried to find something to do in downtown Birmingham that (a) didn’t cost an arm and a leg (b) was inside as it was 14 degrees outside and (c) allowed for the wearing of sweat pants as Jennifer hadn’t dressed to “be seen.”

We finally settled in at Cosi for dinner and then headed across the street to The Cupcake Station for dessert. Even with all that indulgence we had an hour to kill before the movie started, so we just went back to the theater and waited for our movie to start.

The movie was a roller coaster ride….

Detroit, as is always the case, is shown in such a harsh light. However, it was kinder portrayal than a lot of other movies filmed around here.

The main story is centered around a Hmong gang and it was refreshing to step outside of the typical black and white story line. However, the brown person is still the bad guy. Furthermore, I don’t know how accurate it really is as Detroit doesn’t exactly have a huge Hmong population.

But the bumpiest part of the ride came from the uneasiness you felt while cringing every time Eastwood slung another one of his racial slurs, yet laughing at the ingenuity of it all. Trust me, you’ll never a great number of  unique  racial epithets in a period of two hours. And, in the end, the message of the movie showcases the absurdity of his racism.

So, all in all, a good movie and good weekend. A good ending to a nice, long vacation. Now it’s back to the real world tomorrow… an alarm clock, eight hours of my day that belong to someone else and an apparel that doesn’t include comfy shoes or sweat pants.

Bryan, Brad, Jennifer and I spent New Year’s Eve bowling which, as hokey as it sounds, was a ton of fun.  For $28 we had dinner, party favors and unlimited moonlight bowling from 9 pm – 2 am.  It wasn’t exactly the rowdiest NYE we have ever had, but the four of us have so much fun together.

However, as much fun as it was, the evening was still a tad bittersweet. It was the first New Year’s Eve I haven’t spent with Sandie in over 7 years. She had planned on being there but, as is always the case these days, she bailed on me and ended up a no-show.

After months of having her bail on me for a series of random excuses, I finally came to the decision last night that I’m done trying to maintain our friendship any longer. It makes me sad, but not any more so then the fact that she always has an excuse why she can’t or didn’t show up. I’m done with the excuses and the disappointment.

So, turning the negative into a positive, I’ve made my first resolution for 2009 – resolving to focus my energies on the positive relationships in my life – the friendships that are reciprocal, my family, my marriage – and letting go of the rest. I need to stop getting hung up on the bad when there is so much good around me.

There are other resolutions that need to be made -  resolutions about health and wealth. However, they’ll have to wait for another day. 2009 is a big year – the last of my 30′s – and I really want to conciously put thought into what it is that I want accomplished before the big 4-0 hits mid-2010.

Utilizing my blog as an outlet is near the top of the list, so… more to come soon.