”Its gonna be okay. Its gonna be okay,” I tell myself all day long. That lasts until about 8:00 each night until, like a toddler that skips their nap, my too raw defense mechanisms cave and I lose… my… shit.
Tonight I drove around my neighborhood, in circles, crying. I thought being away from Bryan would make it better, but every house I drove by, with their happy families safely encased inside, just made me cry harder. That was supposed to be me, to be us…
So I came home and just cried like a baby in Bryan’s arms. ”Just tell me what to do,” he said. ”I’ll do whatever you want.”
Which is bullshit. What I want him to do is make this better – to fix this. I want him to fight like hell to get better. But he won’t. He gave up hope…
Which is more a commentary on him than me.
Which is where we always end up by 9:30.
So, its back to bed, exhausted, counting down the days until this chapter ends. I look forward to it ending as much as I dread it.
